Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
