one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
did i just pee glitter
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