we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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