just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
