I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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