I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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