Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
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I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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