he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
