there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
