My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so let's talk penis.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
