i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.