i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
wanna go halves on a baby?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
