I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
