woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
