Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
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You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
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Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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