I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
