Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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