I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
