i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
