You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
