i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
