she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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