good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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