I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
