Tell her she can't have a vagina
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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