Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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