i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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