Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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