i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
