We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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