Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
