Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
