I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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