Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
