Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
