i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
