Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
