just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
