The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
