I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
home. puking in laundry basket.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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