i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
