then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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