how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
