Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
