Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I fill condoms, not promises.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
