Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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