i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
