I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Found your dick twin last night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
