I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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