The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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