i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So vagazzling was a success
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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