So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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