I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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