My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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