apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
