I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We named our party play list daddy issues
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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