True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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