my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
