also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
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I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
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Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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