I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
