I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't turn off my feet"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
