When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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