On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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