she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
