You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
