It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
