I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
