3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
